Access To Me

 Allow me to remind anyone and everyone who needs to hear this.

No one is entitled to access to me or anyone, no exceptions. 

Some people believe that people are entitled to access to us by default unless they do some egregious slight that then justifies them being taken out of our lives. It's not the case.

Access to YOU is granted by YOU and ONLY YOU. You get to decide how someone earns it.

Access to me, for instance, is granted on some pretty basic things but the main ones (especially recently) have been...

• Is this going to be a positive experience?
• Is being in this setting going to require "after-care" (physically or emotionally)?
• Are you safe? Do you care about consent? Do I feel my boundaries will be respected?

Floyd Baker

  In Western New York, most people have heard the name. Ten years ago when I first moved to WNY it was one of the first names I heard in the modeling community. Models & Photographers alike told me that he was a man that was not to be trusted. He would serve underage girls liquor to get them to do nude shoots when they would not willingly do it sober. That he really wasn't the type of guy to hear "No" and let it not only be a full sentence but let it actually mean "no". 

The Joker... Can we be serious?

Every fuck boy that can't make it in society and has problems with law enforcement enjoys calling himself "The Joker". It's become almost a sickening joke when someone honestly expects me to refer to them as such. Don't get it twisted, the almost identical situation occurs when a girl wants to be a Harley Quinn. Most people don't understand the derangements that exist in these characters or the motivations for them. 

Joker has many backstories depending on how far back and which universe we are going through but let's discuss what Jack Napier, Joseph Kerr, Johnny Jape, W.C. Whiteface, Clavier Ankh, Mr. Genesius, Red Hood, Dr. J. Reko, Oberon Sexton, Jack White, Melvin White, & Eric Border have in common. They're all simple "dogs chasing cars" and not a single one of them would know what to do if they actually caught one. By this, I mean that all of their individual actions are reactionary. None of it is a plan. After all, does Joker look like a man with a plan?

Explaining My Chest Tattoo

I get a lot of questions asking about the tattoo on my chest a lot. 

A number of stories use the ouroboros. The story I got my tattoo from is a manga that was later adapted into two different animes called Full Metal Alchemist. With the placement, I selected mine is from the character "Lust".

Mostly on TikTok, I get a lot of questions about this piece because it's obviously "old" and people are super curious about what it means. I have not fully come out on TikTok with the full history of the symbol because mine is actually a mixture of TWO symbols. This ouroboros on my chest isn't JUST an ouroboros, it also has a seal of Solomon in the center. Yes, a seal of Solomon. A hexagram. How is it different from a star of David? It's not really. They're both hexagrams but let's talk about the ouroboros first and then we'll come back to the seal of Solomon. 

So what if I'm fucking crazy?

You're a real rare individual?
You're into the physical and the metaphysical?
You understand what I do and understand that I need alone time. How do I explain that is critical?
You want my time and it sounds so hypocritical? Especially when you're not willing to compensate me

The Zooming Maniac Effect

 There are so many different sides of life that things can easily suffer from miscommunication. I'm sure we all have that one person who is no longer in our life because of some stupid fuck up in the words or the silence. So much can be said when nothing is said at all. People get left on read and draw their own conclusions because only their life is real. Only their life matters. Only YOUR life matters, right? Lets sonder, shall we? Are you in a place where you're willing to receive the information that EVERY person you meet has a life is complex vivid and chaotic as your own?

Is there a reason you're like this? Yes. You're human. I know, I was devasted when I found out too. 

Life comes at us fast and sometimes you have to choose whether you dodge or you take the hit. Is it worth the fight? Is this the hill you want to die on? We have loads of phrases that personify the "fight or flight" mentality because that is a purity in our body if not our soul. It's completely separate from our humanity. 

You were with your friends, partying
When the alcohol kicked in
Said you wanted me dead
So, you showed up at my home, all alone
With a shovel and a rose
Do you think I'm a joke?

Sometimes we lose people not because of the people themselves but the choices they make and the people they all have power over their lives. There are lots of stories. Lots of "what if"s. We want to imagine a life where there's a happily ever after and there isn't. You can do everything right and still lose. 

Wait.

What?

Fake or Proper Etiquette

In life, we will have interactions that don't go our way and we will wonder "why". Most Americans will search for blame in others. A dog bites a child and instantly everyone blames the dog, but no one considers for a moment that the child could have "deserved" it. Even say that will probably get me some negative comments, but hear me out.

In life how much disrespect or rude behavior do you tolerate before you lash out. Physically or verbally? No one will scold you for standing up for yourself or no longer allowing the behavior to continue. Does the dog have that option though?

Words Have Meaning

This blog began as a way for me to explain how my brain works because, at the time of this blog, humans were a mystery to me. No one seemed to think like I thought. No one had the problems I did and I was constantly being told I was "weird", "awkward" or "broken". After years of self-exploration, I've discovered social anxiety, introvert tendencies, ADHD, and depression. I've also learned that each of these things manifested with others can make me difficult to deal with or interact with this, this blog continues. 

On a number of social media apps, I will get random messages from people that "just want to chat" on most social media pages that are attached to me I have a whole section about keeping messages "purposeful", or "business orientated" but really what I'm saying is "Don't pop into my inbox for -no reason- expecting me to validate/entertain or otherwise have a banal conversation with you". That's not who I am and that's not what I'm about. For the simple reason, my brain has a really hard time with conversations that are ordinary and containing nothing that is interesting or important.  This is because of my ADHD but also because of my high IQ and low life expectancy. I value my time a lot more than the average person so if you're looking to meaningless platitudes or insincere compliments, you're messaging the wrong person. I am a person that fully understands the meanings of words. The phrase "words have meaning" sounds really condescending, doesn't it? But for me, I don't know what you mean I only know what you say. 

Anal Sex

I've gotten a lot of requests for anal in my lifetime and I'm assuming you know about my career path so you can understand that is "more" than the "average" female. Anal sex regardless of amateur or professional level takes a lot of preparation. While sex takes almost nothing! A little lube here or a little spit there and you're in, proper hydration and you can go for an hour, no problem.

Anal sex is NOT like that. When you watch anal sex in a pornographic clip, anal seems like something you can just decide to do spontaneously, but real-life anal requires much more care and has to be taken a lot more slowly. It can take multiple rounds to reach a point of full insertion and pleasure for both partners. Inserting and pulling out because you found a "dry" spot, applying more lube and doing it again, but ... ope! The second sphincter didn't open or isn't lubed enough.

Alcohol

When the year started I told myself I would make smarter decisions when it comes to alcohol. Alcohol and I are not friends which some people don't understand that's because their life is so full of inhibitions restrictions and hindrances they cannot imagine someone whose life has very little of those.

The things that hinder restrict and control my behavior are things like manners social niceties rules laws and people's opinion. Removing mine is not normally in the average person's best interest.