Silly!

So the last two days I finally got my broken dollz account to work and have started a "Thought Journal" there. Its turned out to be kinda funny, because its literally that. Random thoughts.

MILF & Cookies

i think my brain just imploded

So today I was talking with a photographer and he said... and I quote
"I do not pay My muses, We contribute to the same project and offer Our talents to it. In the case of a model which was aquired, I am concerned with a clear understanding in order to get the subject matter is captured. Cause they only see the money at the end of the day and would not contribute without it."

1. Of all the people you should pay, it should be your muse. Especially since you've already told me that YOU make money on your projects.
2. Fuck you & the twit you rode in on for making me sound like a bitch because I don't want to be your muse
3. I deserve to be paid ESPECIALLY if I'm contributing my original ideas so you can make a buck.
4. If you see beauty in my looks then I commend you, however I know my beauty is in my hardwork, talent, experience, determination and focus.

Goals

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Disorders

So as I already explained I love knowing things for the sake of knowing them. Well, what I learned today is rather interesting so I figured I'd share.

First I must tell you why I was looking up personality and mental disorders. It actually started because I was looking up fibro that according to the commercial is unexplained pain. I HONESTLY wanted to know more but what I found confused me even more.

Have you ever searched fibromyalgia? The first thing that google pops up in its suggest window are things like "fibromyalgia is fake".

"Fibromyalgia is another fake medical problem invented as a joint collaboration between lazy women, unethical doctors, drug addicts and the greedy pharmaceutical industry." -- http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Fibromyalgia

Here's their reasoning:
"Fibromyalgia is not a disease defined by any real pathology or etiology but is rather defined by an aggregate of symptoms that include: tiredness, laziness, lacklusterness, sluggishniss, lolessness, fatassedness, whininess, soreness and fail." -- http://encyclopediadramatica.com/fibromyalgia

How odd is that? No other illness I searched came up with anything saying it was fake. So I went back to my original search typing in this that and the other thing trying to find an explaination to why so many people are claiming fibromyalgia is fake.

During my search I found another disorder that is in no way connected with fibromyalgia... but some of it did make me think its called Histrionic Personality Disorder.
In many cases, people with histrionic personality disorder have good social skills; however, they tend to use these skills to manipulate others so that they can be the center of attention.

However, the fact that it popped up this "attention seeking" personality disorder it started to make me wonder that if fibromyalgia is fake like some would lead you to believe maybe there is a real disorder lurking in the shadows. But I don't believe that its histrionic personality disorder since one of the main symptom is dressing provocatively and/or exhibit inappropriately seductive or flirtatious behavior. Which is what caused me to keep digging within the world of personality disorders.

I believe my chocolate lab has Dependent personality disorder. People with DPD tend to display needy, passive, and clinging behavior, and have a fear of separation.

I could not find any information to solve my curiousity for the "fake" disease.

Why so serious?

So I was looking through blogs tonight because I couldn't sleep and I noticed that most blogs (at least model blogs) are basic like "what I did today" and stuff like that. I feel sort of like an odd ball. But then again what's really going on in your head when you read the other blogs?

I really like to make people think. Look at themselves and ponder a moment. I may have said this before but I love picking peoples brains, finding out what they believe but more importantly WHY they believe it.

You could believe that "your god is an awesome god" and its your every right to believe that, but don't be surprised if I ask you "if your god is an awesome god, what about the others?" Because if he's awesome there has to be something to compare it to.... right? Or maybe just simply "why is he awesome?"

I want to know if you believe what you believe because of something inside yourself or because someone at some point told you to.
Do you believe the sky is blue? What do you mean yes?
Do you believe the war in Iraq is truly protecting AMERICAS freedom? Are you sure?
Is my grass really any greener than yours? No, seriously... have you seen my grass? Ha! I live in apartment! I don't have grass!

Slasher

I'm so excited!
Tomorrow we're shooting the scenes from the new Krause Creation. Its going to be very spooky and scary!
I know I'll probably get scared but its ok, because the murderer is going to get me in the end.

Stay tuned for those images, maybe clips too! I'm so excited!

ADD like a mo fo

A little bit of everything
Today was a beautiful day off from the modeling world.
Ok, let me admit one quick thing, I never completely break from the modeling world ... because well I cant leave my email unchecked or unanswered >.< I know I'm horrible like that but its just the way I am. Or maybe its just the way my phone is... it blinks and cries at me when I get an email and I have to put it out of its misery.

Now for the purpose of this happy little blog entry. Since today was a day off from modeling I spent most of it dancing around my little apartment and having a great time with music.

Yup, I gave a lap dance to the invisible man that lives on my couch... god, he's going to write a tell-all about me one day and be so disappointed when everyone goes "Illianna who?" HA!

But the song that sat me down on my ass at my computer and made me think of blogging was Meredith Brooks "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover" I think this is the perfect song that has to explain every woman on the planet... or at least the ones in the "free world" (whatever the hell that means)

The female is one of the most beautiful and erotic forms on this earth, or at least this is my opinion which is why I do what I do! I love my body and why shouldn't you love it too?
However, the female personality and brain...
"What do women want?" Hell, hunny, don't strain yourself the average woman doesn't know what she wants let alone what her entire sex wants, and the movie "what women want" doesn't even cover it.

Do what you do, and don't try to change.
I'm a bitch
I'm a tease
I'm a lover
I'm a goddess on my knees
I'll make you hurt and I'll make you suffer
I'm your nightmare
I'm your fantasy
I'm a child
I'm a mother

Once you come to terms that women are many things, just like a man... the case is pretty much ended.

Friendship

I don't really know where to start this blog so I'm just going to pour my guts out and smear them around... I hope that's ok with you.

I've hurt a friend and I feel terrible. Normally I'm the friend that helps everyone but I've finally found someone who's nicer than me and I think I've totally screwed him.
When we started out, he said I didn't have to ask that I knew the answer was yes, but I also knew me. I have a horrible habit of taking things for granted. And I've done it again >_<

I've got new clue on how to make it better. I tried to abuse the friendship less and I ended up making him feel disposable which was not my intention. My intention is to keep all of my friends as long and as close as possible.

I'm very greedy. With things but even more so with people. I like knowing what everyone is up to, I enjoy the constant communication. I just... I don't know what to do.

Welcome to the 21st century... we don't know what to do... so we blog

Love

Since this blog is about love I'm going to include a lot of things, first is going to be the lyrics to a song and the songs meaning by the artist, because I believe that this is a perfect example of true love and that's what I really wanted to discuss. However, in this area my words tend to fall short so I'll let the experts and artists talk but I'm also going to give you my two cents.

"You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate over my head
Then I set fire to our bed.
My black eye casts no shadow
Your red eye sees no pain
Your slaps don't stick
Your kicks don't hit
So we remain the same
Blood sticks and
Sweat drips
Break the lock if it doesn't fit
A kick in the teeth is good for some
A kiss with a fist is better than none
Broke your jaw once before
Spit your blood upon the floor
You broke my leg in return
Sit back and watch the bed burn"
--"Kiss with a fist" Florence and the Machine

According to the Wikipedia page:
"[This song] is NOT a song about domestic violence. It is about two people pushing each other to psychological extremes because they are fighting but they still love each other. The song is not about one person being attacked, or any actual physical violence; there are no victims in this song. Sometimes the love two people have for each other is a destructive force, but they cant have it any other way, because its what holds them together. They enjoy the drama and pushing each other's buttons. The only way to express these extreme emotions is with extreme imagery, all of which is fantasism and nothing in the song is based on reality. Leona Lewis' song "bleeding love" isn't actually about her bleeding and this song isn't actually about punching someone in the mouth."

Now a word for the experts and...Me!
1. True love conquers all.
They say that this is WRONG! Love is not enough to make a relationship work- it needs compatibility and commitment. (Among other things)
What I say: Love DOES conquer all. If you have true love then you understand how much you want to be with that person, you'll have that compatibility. You'll find that "commitment" and "devotion". If you have true love, then you don't need anything else. Everything else will fall into place, because you'll work together and when true love is met with communication and team work... it won't fail and if it is true love then the communication and team work were there for the beginning... otherwise its not true.

2. When it's really true love, you will know it the moment you meet the other person.
They say: WRONG! It takes just a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time!
I say: Partly, they're right. But if its true love no matter how you push each other away, no matter how you lose touch you'll always find your way back to each other. Through dangers untold & hardships unnumbered true love fights its way to the castle beyond the goblin city.

3. There is only one true love in the world that is right for you.
They say: WRONG AGIAN! It is possible to experience true love with more than one person- there are many potential partners you could be happy with.
I say: They're wrong. You can love and experience complete love with anyone, but at the dawn of time every soul was divided into two, your true love is the other half of your soul. If you don't understand that, you've never experienced it. You've never looked into their eyes and found the other half of yourself.

4. The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way.
They say: WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! The right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.
I say: This one THEY ARE WAY OFF! A true love will bend and fulfill you in every way you deserve. You will bend and grow together-- Fulfilling each other. Love is about making each other better.

5. When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love.
They say: WATCH OUT FOR THIS ONE! ITS TOUGH! Good sex has nothing to do with true love... but making love does.
I say: This one, they're partly right. Everyone's sex life is different. But if its true love then the love and friendship will be there before the sex and that's what will make the sex wonderful and make it worth having.

But this is just my take on it. I've been told I'm a hopeless romantic... I have no idea where they get "hopeless" but maybe they're right on the romantic part. ^_~ Hope you enjoyed reading this if nothing else.

New Phone! Better Networking!!

First and foremost my happy little sidekick slide finally had her last horray and I had to venture out into the world away from the magic of the sidekick.
Very sad, I know.
However... when one door closes another opens.
My new phone still slides (I love sliding phones ever since their debut which is probably why a sliding sidekick tinkled me pink) My new phone is the MyTouch Slide and because of this beautiful new device I will be better able to communicate with the wonderful world that is... well YOU!

If you haven't already "liked" me on Facebook & join the discussions. I'm looking for suggestions for future shoots, and cool events.

I'm also on twitter so follow me XilliannaX and I'm also thinking about doing a video blog when I travel and do some shoots.

oops!

When I started the explaination of who I am I neglected what I think is the most important part of who I am.
First an foremost, I'm a geek and a nerd.

I love video games
I love table top games (v:tm > d&d)
I'm obsessed with intellectual pursuits just for the sake of knowing.
I've had a palm pilot or other data device since I was 13
I passionately pursue skill and imagination, I find that the mainstream can be a little tame at times
I get & understand math jokes.
I have great devotion to math and economics as wells are history, and philsophy.
I love the world of fantasy and science fiction
I can be a little OCD

Alright I think now you know the basics of how I work ^_~

About Me -- Explain

The most profound question one can ask themselves is not the meaning of
life, nor that of a higher power. The most profound question is that one
ask themselves "who am I".