Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Monogamy Is A Problem

Monogamy is failing men. How do I know this? Have you ever cheated? How'd that turn out for you?
Very few women are "ok" with their boyfriend, parnter, or spouse screwing someone else. Which leads me to my original statement. It's not just failing them its  a "socially compelled sexual incarceration" that can lead to a life of anger and contempt according to a new study from  England's University of Winchester.

Cheating, however, serves men pretty well. An undiscovered affair allows them to keep their relationship and emotional intimacy, and even if they're busted it's a lot easier than admitting that they wanted to screw someone else in the first place. In this study the sociologists took 120 undergraduate men and discovered that 78 percent of them had cheated on a partner regardless of how committed or "in love" they were.  Thus this leaves us with a conclusion that most men aren't cheating because they don't love their partner, they are cheating simply for the desire to want to get their dick wet which is a biological issue which society really should have no say over.

Monogamy's stronghold on our beliefs -- what he calls monogamism -- brings ostracism and judgment to anyone who questions or strays from its boundaries. That doesn't make sense! Why do we stigmatize someone who has a fling more than couples who divorce -- throwing away a marriage rich in history and love, upsetting their kids' lives -- over something like sex?

Monogamy isn't the only "proper" way to be in a relationship and especially when society finds "multiple forms of acceptable sexual relationship types -- including sexually open relationships -- that coexist without hierarchy or hegemony." It's especially important for today's young men, for whom monogamous sex seems more boring than in generations past (meeting up for NSA sex or having easy access to internet porn).

Humans are largely lousy at controlling our bodies' desires. We say we don't want to eat that Snickers bar, but we also really do want to eat it. We eat it, we feel guilty about it, and afterwards we promise ourselves not to eat one again; but we nonetheless do. It is this same phenomenon, only with cheating. Forbidden fruit is ALWAYS the sweetest.

The main problem with cheating is the fact that it has no baring on the fact that we LOVE someone else. Our physical desires don't die; they just change from our partner to people other than him/her. We falsely believe that when the sex dies, the relationship has also died. The reality is the opposite; when the sex dies the relationship has just begun. That's where communication and common interests can begin to spring up and depending on the couple a new sexual thrill may start.
The diminution of sex is simultaneous to one's emotional bonds growing stronger. Long-term partners may have more intimate sex (most just have very little) but when men see a guy or girl who turns them on, it's not intimate and meaningful sex they are craving. What they are feeling is carnal. When one looks at the ratio of men to women on the planet one would assume that humans are not like penquins who mate for life but in fact more like lions where a male has several females for mating.

According to the researches at England's University of Winchester it is better to have  one emotional lover and just have casual, meaningless -- and hot -- sex with strangers. This gives us the long-term emotional stability we desire psychologically, alongside the hot, carnal sex we desire somatically. It makes much more sense than lying and cheating , or the difficulty of breaking up with a loved one simply because you want someone else's body for an hour.

The important thing to remember when looking at all of these studies is the misconception that cheating breaks up relationships. Infidelity does not break relationships up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a relationships must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up. According to Eric Anderson, Author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating "I wrote this book because I've seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn't a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood. I'm not advocating cheating; I'm advocating open and equitable sexual relationships. When both in the couple desire this, when both realize that extradyadic sex makes their partner happy, and they therefore want their partner to have that sex, a couple will have moved a long ways toward facilitating emotional honesty, while simultaneously withering at jealousy scripts, which can be very damaging to a relationship. But if one can't achieve this with a partner that's hostile to the idea, cheating is the reasonable action."

Monogamy is culturally compelled, so the decision has been made for us. How much of a chance would a man stand to have a second date if on the first date he said that he was interested in an open relationship? At the point men enter into relationships they, too, think they want monogamy. It's only after being in a relationship for months or years that they badly want sex with others. But by this point, they don't want to break up with their partners because they have long-standing love. Instead of chancing that love by asking for extradyadic sex, they cheat. If they don't get caught (and most don't) it's a rational choice.

But it is indeed selfish for men to want sex with others but not to want their partners to do the same. This however is not just a "man" thing. Women also cheat; they also lie about it; and they also want to be able to cheat without their partners doing the same. Monogamy is a problem for all sexes; it builds in an ownership script regardless of gender.

No comments:

Post a Comment