Saturday, December 31, 2016

What Can Be Said?

On the 23rd I received an email from someone who, in her words "said things I shouldn't have to people I shouldn't have. Though what was passed on to you wasn't what was said, I did say things that caused those things to be able to be twisted in that manner". That's not the truth because she did a lot more than that because she sent text messages before and after that day, continued to run her mouth to people about my family and private business. I digress, on the 23rd she apologized. She stated in the email that these words wouldn't be enough, and she's right they're not but it's not because they are words and I need action or something more like I expect from my subs or slaves.  Her words are not enough because I don't trust them. She's already been proven guilty of lying on more than one occasion and I have the transcripts to prove it. When your honor, love and loyalty are junk then no amount of "sorry" will fix a situation.

I haven't written her back but I've drafted 5 different letters to her. Explosive and angry to empathic, but upon re-reading them regardless of how I wanted them to come out they all come off condescending and bitchy. That's not what I want. I don't want to make the problem bigger. I'm not sure if she'll ever get a response from me but let me  assure you and maybe even her that I'm not the monster I'm painted to be. She was forgiven for her mistakes before she wrote me. Many people will tell you i even defended her actions. At the end of the day a response to her is so difficult because while she is forgiven her apology is not accepted. She did what made she feel justified in doing.  It made her feel good in the moment without thought or care for my feelings. She was lost in her own problems and had no problem dragging my job, my career, relationship or family into chaos. Yet now she claims she loves me but also my family but when the chips were down her actions did not reflect that and in my book that's where loyalty and love are tested and shown. I've never done anything to impede her personally,  or professionally. I've sacrificed my needs to put a smile on her face. All I've ever asked is that she be respectful to me, my family and my business.  In one week her actions could have easily destroy all of that and it seems like it was for selfish means.

In her email she questioned why I hadn't confronted her "given our history" but I don't understand that. That's all I've done is call her on her ignorance, disrespect, inexperience, poor planning and other shortcomings through the history of our friendship. Always tried to make her think about what she is doing. Always trying to educate her, teach her,  help her become a better person but it always lead to more rude and immature behavior on both parts. I knew this bad behavior and gossip mongering would soon end because she was leaving. I tried to not make things worse for her because I knew her actions were coming from a place of loss. She was losing everything around her because of her own actions and inactions. I've been there. Its easier to blame others, you have to put the blame on someone else. See their faults because if you focus on your own you wont survive. The roof came in on her and she didn't know what to do, so I did all I could and back away. Defend myself when I needed to but do my best not to fling any mud that covered my feet.

I bit my tongue, and told myself that "this too shall pass" but it doesn't because part of me still loves her.  Part of me worries about her and wants to know she's OK and happy. I can't let her back in my life, let alone my family's life with how toxic she's proven herself to be.

 I understand her motives, better than she probably does. I am disappointed in her and that the friendship ended like this but part of me always saw this coming. Unfortunately, she burned the bridge and now I'm salting the ground.

This is beyond "I'm sorry, nothing was said or done with malicious intent." Because damage was done, damage that I'm still dealing with months later because she couldn't bluntly and honestly own all of her actions, even in her apology she has to try to sweep her words under a mat, making sure that she never claims which words were hers.

She claims she couldn't think clearly, even now but she's playing an excellent game of cat and mouse but she thinks she has all the cards. She doesn't.  I told her these people weren't her friends but she never listened to my advice. I was always the friend she needed, but she had an idea of what she thought I should be as friend instead of accepting me. She claimed she was my best friend but I never felt that way and every time I tried to talk to her about it, it turned into a kindergarten fight of yelling and figurative hair pulling.

At the end of the day, our friendship ended because I had had enough of the disrespect and rude behavior, she'd had enough of me always saying "I told you so"...

That's not love, friendship or loyalty. So this chapter ends.

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