Thursday, August 18, 2016

Making Myself Crazy

I'm so frustrated with life right now and there's no particular cause there's just so much to do and I constantly feel like there's too much pulling and begging for my time that doesn't get it. I'm constantly left with this mountain of "to do" and so I don't do anything. Like that solves anything but it's easier.

Easier used to be an option. Didnt matter if it was right or if it was wrong it was the easier path so that's the one I'd go down. Then I had kids. Then those kids starting growing up, looking to me as a role model and for some reason i wanted to be that person. I wanted to be a "good" role model.

I don't know if that's what my problem is, if I'm a horrible person by nature who is trying to be good and that's where this melancholy is coming from or what exactly the problem is...

So much has changed in the last 6 years and really it doesn't feel like anything is the same. I yearn for a place my soul calls home but I don't even know if that place exists and if it does I don't know where it is...

How's your day?
"Just another day in paradise" - its always been my phrase because it sounds better than "I'm in hell" but looking over the last 6 years. Being homeless, fist fights with pornstars, slimy agents, scummy producers.... everything that has happened this place that I sit in now really is "paradise" and I'm not happy. I don't know why.

Lost in an image, in a dream
But there's no one there to wake me up
And the world is spinning, and I'm still winning
But tell me what happens when it stops?

If there's nothing missing in my life then why do I feel like this?
I cant talk to anyone about how I'm feeling cause no one cares which is originally why this blog was started. Didn't know how to express myself verbally so here I am, inside my own head.... driving myself crazy. I try to talk to people who are supposed to be my BEST friends but they don't understand, they hear the words but appreciating the meaning behind them is too much...

What do I do to give myself meaning? What do I do to give my life meaning?
How to give life meaning:
  1. Know what's important - write down your top 5 things that you believe are the essence of how you want to live life
    Well, that screws me and probably one of my fundamental issues. I want to spend time with my family and not have to stress about money or societal standards. My happiness tends to be a direct contradiction to the "social standard" which brings my family under a lot of scrutiny. 
  2. Pursue your passion 
    Great idea! I have no passion. Nothing makes me passionate for long. I really do hate people. People tend to be the killer of my spirit and I'm fairly certain that its a hereditary issue.
    1. Dance!
      Really dont think this is something I need MORE of in my life.
    2. People more than things - Help people - Live with compassion & empathy
      Are you aware that people suck? Every time I help someone in my life or try to do something "nice" it backfires and normally ends up screwing me. Makes me have to work 3-4 times HARDER because I had a "soul" or was kind to my fellow man.
    I just don't know what to do and none of these blanket solutions work for me. 

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