No, that's not the hazard I speak of; the hazard I speak of is when the money dries up and thus the majority that makes up sex work has too many thoughts and not enough spending cash. Which leaves the average to be quite a ... well, we already agreed to bluntness so we can call these women what they are... CUNTS.
Being an adult performer in a stripper world this time of the year hits me in two ways. Girls asking "how" they can "do what [I] do" and girls that see me as the downfall of their money (the cunts).
The girls that want to join me, I welcome and try to help the best I can. The cunts tend to ask me questions. Thus, I answer the age-old question of why I do and don't do things. None of your business. That's right! Chances are that MY CHOICES don't have to be validated by anyone who doesn't share my consequences.
This year it is filled with extra "bonus" hatred from the cunts because they are also wondering why I didn't go to a friends/co-workers wake and why I won't be attending the benefit for her children. I didn't attend the wake because we'd gotten about a foot of snow the night before I live in the "ghetto" or maybe its the "hood" regardless I'm too "non-street" to know the difference but lets just say that my middle to upper-income friends don't like coming to my house. Also, on a Sunday if bad weather hits the chances of my landlord plowing the tiny back street that leads to my drive way as well as the little avenue that leads me to "real" streets is slim to none.
On the day of the wake I was dealing with this, also dealing with the fact that my kids had a Magic: The Gathering tournament too. Leaving my house was a priority one. I was going to drop them off at their tournament, go to the wake and then pick them back up. My day was perfectly mapped but I had no plan for snow. Several of my friends were willing to come to get me since I was not going to make it in my tiny little car... (I'd watched a few try and fail that were bigger than I was) or at least they were before they realized how far out I was. Four towns away is a far way to travel when the weather is not being friendly. Thus, I resigned myself to staying home and mourning my friend in my meditation space.
The next time I worked one of the girls popped up telling me about the benefit they were going to be putting together and when it was... "I'm in Syracuse that weekend". It's one of my big shoots for the year, its not something I can reschedule but the plans for the benefit were already locked so I resigned myself in the fact that I would not be going to that either but tried to offer ideas and suggestions.
Friday night, as I was tired of a long night of working for no profit one of the girls (that I had not seen let alone worked a shift of the new year), stopped me as I was putting on my coat. Demanding to know why I wasnt at the wake. I explained the circumstances. She didnt believe me or felt that I could do more. I wasnt in the mood for these types of games. So I pleaded with her not to start a fight with me over something thats done and over. Thus, she brought up the benefit. I grabbed my pack and moved past her while informing her "I'm in Syracuse that weekend". She screamed something I didnt hear and I left.
These were my choices. I'm not going to say I had no choice but to miss these activities. There's always a choice. I chose the ones that had the least risk and most benefit for me. Some will call it selfish, disloyal, shameful... and probably a lot of other things.
I cried almost my entire way home that night, including the portion when I was driving another friend/co-worker home. She reminded me that I was doing the most, that our friend that had passed would want us to move on with our life. Not just ME, us. All of us. She would not want us derailed by sadness. She would not want to be causing hardship or sadness in our lives.
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living
I'll get along
The pain that one feels
Only one can heal
By living
I have to go on living
So one of us is living
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