Pets & Regrets

 Regret is “the emotional price we pay for free will.” -Julie Beck

If we were just pawns tossed around on the chessboard of life, Beck explains, there’d be nothing to regret. We arent in control, just following orders.  Most of us would probably take that trade-off: Better to make mistakes than to have no control at all. But what if your control is over someone else? Your actions can effect others and at some point you'll have to take responsibility of that.

"If you never pine for a different past, you’ll stay trapped in a cycle of mistakes."

In my life there are very few things that I regret. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but the ones that haunt me is the mistakes I made with them.


How my own ignorance and arrogance got in the way of them having the best life.
They deserved so much better.

My cat and corgi died because of complications of being homeless. My chihuahua and chocolate lab I gave them up to... what I desperately hope...  were better homes.

Our last year together haunts me, and while I've learned a lot... and there's some mistakes I'd take back if I could and that I've sworn I'll never make again. I wish I could hold them one more time and tell them if I could do it over, I'd make better choices. 😔

I know that 'that's all you can do' but my heart won't forgive me and let me rest in that thought. I'm sorry to my first babies. I wanted you to fill a hole in me. I wanted unconditional love and did not understand the responsibility and obligations that were required of me.  I could barely make my life work and i thought adding more to my plate should be nothing.  I wanted something to love me and didn't even begin to understand how to love something 😕

I could make all sorts of excuses about my birth family and how stand offish everything was but it's just an excuse. It wasn't until my daughters that I learned what love really was, putting them before everything else. True selflessness and im still working on that every day. Wanting better for them, not wanting to see them suffer, willing to suffer myself so that they can smile and laugh. 

Which just makes me feel even more guilty about my animals. Even at full life expectancy they are all dust in the wind now so Im not sure why this is haunting me now.  What is the universe trying to tell me by putting this reminder on my plate. Hopefully, that they forgive me and with this full moon in cancer I release the pain these regrets bare on me and endeavor to never put another creature in similar places.

Bless be.