Mom

My mom has been dead for 2 years and these next 5 days are already feeling like a lot. Anniversary of her death and then the anniversary of her birth.

There is literally nothing that stands that says she was here. The last decade of her life she was just the woman I fell out of.... 

Five days. So much wasted time... potential...

She didnt deserve the life she was forced to live and I worry a lot that I'm beginning to walk in her footsteps.

I draw parallels between her life and mine. Between my daughters and hers.

I wasn't planned and most days I was certain didn't want me. Why do I feel guilty about how her life ended? Why am I allowing her to haunt me?  

You chose me once and didn't abort me but since that moment you never chose me. It could have been you, me and the family I made but you didn't want me. Why was I never good enough for you? 

Pets & Regrets

 Regret is “the emotional price we pay for free will.” -Julie Beck

Difficult to Intubate

 My surgery was supposed to be two days ago and once again no one listens to the girl thats had multiple neck trauma, surgeries and over all medical experience.

Moving Forward

 Dates for my surgery have been set, and I'm beginning my process for pre-surgery. I will be having a discectomy and fusion. They've decided to do the 3 affected vertebraes. The 10th will be the last day to get any customs or requests in because following the surgery i will be in recovery for 6-8 weeks and it may take longer for me to be able to do high impact activities like running, jumping and bouncing.  It is my hope that beach balls and balloons will continue in my future, but I can not guarantee anything.  I will be trying to get through my back log of balloons prior to my surgery but with pain levels rising and time being finite my full goals may not be reached but I do want to thank everyone for their continued support. 

I got my second MRI

 My Neurologist wants to do 3 vertebrae in my neck in 4 weeks. Anterior cervical discectomy and fusion for you nerds. I will be out for a minimum of six weeks. Before that I have to have a chest x-ray and an EKG while also submitting to my 9-5 that I will be out for a minimum of six weeks.

Tired & Frustrated

 The last two weeks have been really hard for me. Not only did I lose my 3 Instagram accounts, but they IP blocked me from making a new one. I have also completed four therapy sessions,s two of which were utterly useless. They created barely a ripple in my pain management, mobility, and inflammation. The other two through me into such a deep flare that I literally hit new levels of pain. 

Neck Update

Not a whole lot has been accomplished... 

Neurosurgery

I go in for my first surgical consultation tomorrow. Not my first rodeo but I'm still a bit nervous. In case you weren't following the story on Twitter & TikTok, here's your catch-up.

Manic Depression

 Does anyone else ever feel like they're drowning but like... you're fully clothed sitting on a stool at your normal job and not drowning but that's not how it feels.

Lets Collab!

 If you're going to message someone asking them to collaborate... 

1. Know what they produce (strictly porn? Strictly clothed? ASMR?) Have an idea of what you'd like their assistance with producing.

2. Be honest about why you want to work with them (say more than "you're hot" or "successful")

3. Create value in yourself. Why should they want to collaborate for you? What's their "carrot"? 

4. If they turn you down, be polite. Thank them for their time.

Tiny little me

 A lot of images of me 6+ years ago are popping up in my memories across social media and my brain is like "god bitch, eat something" and a friend pointed out that if 6+ years ago me heard that it would ruin her day. 

I've been thinking about that for 2 hours and though at the time I thought I liked my body I've come to realize I didn't. Especially at the size I am now. 

That girl was barely 100lbs and the woman I am now is closing on 200lbs but the skin here is a lot tougher and the self love is stronger. 

Good bye mom

 1:15pm - My mother has barely been able to eat/or drink for the last month. Hospice comes in daily. She can hear but can't speak. 

11:35pm - My mom passes

I spent the next hour unable to sleep, struggling to thing ofa good memory of my mom that didn't involve shame, or neglect. That's what brings me to tears. My mother has been dead to me for a little over a decade. 

For the next 6hours I drift in and out of sleep having weird dreams about a vehicle that looked and felt like a cheese bus except that it had four doors and a hatch like a SUV.

I turn off my alarm before it wake me up and proceed about my day. My brain still consumed with finding good memories with my mom. 

Mother

"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand?"

I don't think I ever really did... Eric Draven says this in The Crow. They're trying to tell us that mother is what children worship. She's beauty and grace, she's protection and security. For me, I knew I had a mother but like God I rarely saw her. For a woman that was pro-life, she never really cared about mine.

My mother drank and God knows what else while pregnant. She didn't believe in abortion and when the doctor brought it up she told him "if you suggest that again, I'll go to a different doctor" she loved telling me that story. She felt like such a hero in that moment. That moment was fleeting, cause she didn't stop drinking. Maybe she cut down but I still got a handful of disorders that scientists believe are fetal alcohol related.
• Learning and memory
• Understanding and following directions
• Switching attention between tasks
• Controlling emotions and impulsivity
• Communicating and developing social skills
• Experiencing depression and anxiety
• Performing daily life skills, including feeding, bathing, counting money, telling time, and minding personal safety

Slave Application (update)

 Committing to a lifetime or even a single session of slavery is a serious undertaking for anyone to consider. Nothing is to be rushed. Nothing is to be taken for granted. All the rules and conditions to be built up over time do not fundamentally matter as they are a means to an end: a sustainable, ever-maturing and evolving, mutually satisfying, effective and loving Master-slave partnership. Be honest, open and truthful, with yourself and your Master. Commitment, fulfillment, happiness and above all trust and clear communication are crucial, so think carefully about what you are asked here.

Filling in this form will take time. A good Master needs a thorough understanding of any slave who is placed under her control, and honesty and trust are established through clear communication, as well as good actions and training. The mental component to slavery is even more important than the physical dimensions, and this application will help a slave to begin to explore the mental side of slavery, or at the least, enable a slave to consider his reaction or attitudes to various aspects of slavery.

Good Masters need good slaves, and good slaves who submit more willingly and completely to a Master are desirable, and worthy of training. If your application is successful, I will be in touch to arrange an inspection/ interview session and to discuss your future slave development.

Good luck.

2020 Too

 It feels so weird.

At the end of 2019 I was getting my life together. I'd just fixed my back tattoo and was really feeling my body. I was on my way to really progress in my career and in my personal life. 

3 months later covid started and over a year of quarantine and another year of bullshit covered bullshit has set me back 7 years. I'm feeling hopeless and frustrated. 

There's also nothing I can do. There's no "work harder" that's going to give me back what I lost in the same amount of time I lost it. 

"Why are you a [Sex Worker]?"

Because I have SERIOUS problems with -requesting- time off. Requesting hours. The company needs workers, those workers should get a full say in how that works but we've fallen so far from FREEDOM that we are entering into a different kind of slavery. I refuse. If a company is NOT giving me benefits and $75k+ a year then they get -informed- of when I'm coming and going. Regardless of what you pay me, I will tell you what my availability is and will NEVER say -Oh, I've got OPEN availability- Why?

 
Cause, the fuck I do!

No one on this planet has open availability. People need to eat, sleep, bathe, laugh... People need more from their life than what capitalism can give. Capitalism is a rat trap for us, rats. Open availability is a trap, especially the way these companies want it.
Open availability for most minimum wage jobs translates to "I will work from open to close, every motherfucking day" and that's just not realistic. Your body and soul need time to rest and focus on things that matter TO YOU. You need to be able to create, relax and play.

Sorry (Not really), if I'm your employee I'm going to give you realistic expectations.
Under promise, over-deliver. Just like if you hire me for a custom photo set or a video. 

THAT'S WHY I'M A [SEX WORKER] - because I'm a mother fucking business. There's no separating my "hustle"/job from my "downtime"/life. The other things that are going on in my life are what make my working hours so costly.  If you cant understand where the expense comes from then I have to ask if you're truly happy with your life or if you are just a rat stuck on the wheel. 

Access To Me

 Allow me to remind anyone and everyone who needs to hear this.

No one is entitled to access to me or anyone, no exceptions. 

Some people believe that people are entitled to access to us by default unless they do some egregious slight that then justifies them being taken out of our lives. It's not the case.

Access to YOU is granted by YOU and ONLY YOU. You get to decide how someone earns it.

Access to me, for instance, is granted on some pretty basic things but the main ones (especially recently) have been...

• Is this going to be a positive experience?
• Is being in this setting going to require "after-care" (physically or emotionally)?
• Are you safe? Do you care about consent? Do I feel my boundaries will be respected?

Floyd Baker

  In Western New York, most people have heard the name. Ten years ago when I first moved to WNY it was one of the first names I heard in the modeling community. Models & Photographers alike told me that he was a man that was not to be trusted. He would serve underage girls liquor to get them to do nude shoots when they would not willingly do it sober. That he really wasn't the type of guy to hear "No" and let it not only be a full sentence but let it actually mean "no". 

The Joker... Can we be serious?

Every fuck boy that can't make it in society and has problems with law enforcement enjoys calling himself "The Joker". It's become almost a sickening joke when someone honestly expects me to refer to them as such. Don't get it twisted, the almost identical situation occurs when a girl wants to be a Harley Quinn. Most people don't understand the derangements that exist in these characters or the motivations for them. 

Joker has many backstories depending on how far back and which universe we are going through but let's discuss what Jack Napier, Joseph Kerr, Johnny Jape, W.C. Whiteface, Clavier Ankh, Mr. Genesius, Red Hood, Dr. J. Reko, Oberon Sexton, Jack White, Melvin White, & Eric Border have in common. They're all simple "dogs chasing cars" and not a single one of them would know what to do if they actually caught one. By this, I mean that all of their individual actions are reactionary. None of it is a plan. After all, does Joker look like a man with a plan?

Explaining My Chest Tattoo

I get a lot of questions asking about the tattoo on my chest a lot. 

A number of stories use the ouroboros. The story I got my tattoo from is a manga that was later adapted into two different animes called Full Metal Alchemist. With the placement, I selected mine is from the character "Lust".

Mostly on TikTok, I get a lot of questions about this piece because it's obviously "old" and people are super curious about what it means. I have not fully come out on TikTok with the full history of the symbol because mine is actually a mixture of TWO symbols. This ouroboros on my chest isn't JUST an ouroboros, it also has a seal of Solomon in the center. Yes, a seal of Solomon. A hexagram. How is it different from a star of David? It's not really. They're both hexagrams but let's talk about the ouroboros first and then we'll come back to the seal of Solomon.