Mom

My mom has been dead for 2 years and these next 5 days are already feeling like a lot. Anniversary of her death and then the anniversary of her birth.

There is literally nothing that stands that says she was here. The last decade of her life she was just the woman I fell out of.... 

Five days. So much wasted time... potential...

She didnt deserve the life she was forced to live and I worry a lot that I'm beginning to walk in her footsteps.

I draw parallels between her life and mine. Between my daughters and hers.

I wasn't planned and most days I was certain didn't want me. Why do I feel guilty about how her life ended? Why am I allowing her to haunt me?  

You chose me once and didn't abort me but since that moment you never chose me. It could have been you, me and the family I made but you didn't want me. Why was I never good enough for you? 

Pets & Regrets

 Regret is “the emotional price we pay for free will.” -Julie Beck

Difficult to Intubate

 My surgery was supposed to be two days ago and once again no one listens to the girl thats had multiple neck trauma, surgeries and over all medical experience.

Moving Forward

 Dates for my surgery have been set, and I'm beginning my process for pre-surgery. I will be having a discectomy and fusion. They've decided to do the 3 affected vertebraes. The 10th will be the last day to get any customs or requests in because following the surgery i will be in recovery for 6-8 weeks and it may take longer for me to be able to do high impact activities like running, jumping and bouncing.  It is my hope that beach balls and balloons will continue in my future, but I can not guarantee anything.  I will be trying to get through my back log of balloons prior to my surgery but with pain levels rising and time being finite my full goals may not be reached but I do want to thank everyone for their continued support. 

I got my second MRI

 My Neurologist wants to do 3 vertebrae in my neck in 4 weeks. Anterior cervical discectomy and fusion for you nerds. I will be out for a minimum of six weeks. Before that I have to have a chest x-ray and an EKG while also submitting to my 9-5 that I will be out for a minimum of six weeks.