Good bye mom

 1:15pm - My mother has barely been able to eat/or drink for the last month. Hospice comes in daily. She can hear but can't speak. 

11:35pm - My mom passes

I spent the next hour unable to sleep, struggling to thing ofa good memory of my mom that didn't involve shame, or neglect. That's what brings me to tears. My mother has been dead to me for a little over a decade. 

For the next 6hours I drift in and out of sleep having weird dreams about a vehicle that looked and felt like a cheese bus except that it had four doors and a hatch like a SUV.

I turn off my alarm before it wake me up and proceed about my day. My brain still consumed with finding good memories with my mom. 

"If you drop that I'm going to slap the shit out of you" 

Nope.

My brain rolls around struggling until I begin to notice a trend about my "good" memories of my mom. Most of them revolve around her buying me something, toys or food mostly. My love of food and love of shopping are what I relate to my moms love. She was so absent, and I was so broken that those were the only things she knew how to use to bond. 

Hours later a girl on twitter brought up the movie "What Lies Beneath" which reminded me that was the first thriller/horror movie I saw in theaters and it was with my mom. She loved Michelle Pfeifer. I remember seeing it with my mom. I remember her Chevy cavalier was brand new and I kept picking rocks out of its treads but I don't remember much of my mom. She might as well have not been there. 

She loved Marvin the Martian and the board game Uncle Wiggily (it's a bunny board game). I added the board game to my wishlist because I doubt my mother or her husband kept things like that. When she was a young woman she used to collect cute or odd salt and pepper shakers. Her grandmother bought her this beautiful Gothic cabinet to display them in. I wonder if those things still exists....