Neurosurgery

I go in for my first surgical consultation tomorrow. Not my first rodeo but I'm still a bit nervous. In case you weren't following the story on Twitter & TikTok, here's your catch-up.

Manic Depression

 Does anyone else ever feel like they're drowning but like... you're fully clothed sitting on a stool at your normal job and not drowning but that's not how it feels.

Lets Collab!

 If you're going to message someone asking them to collaborate... 

1. Know what they produce (strictly porn? Strictly clothed? ASMR?) Have an idea of what you'd like their assistance with producing.

2. Be honest about why you want to work with them (say more than "you're hot" or "successful")

3. Create value in yourself. Why should they want to collaborate for you? What's their "carrot"? 

4. If they turn you down, be polite. Thank them for their time.

Tiny little me

 A lot of images of me 6+ years ago are popping up in my memories across social media and my brain is like "god bitch, eat something" and a friend pointed out that if 6+ years ago me heard that it would ruin her day. 

I've been thinking about that for 2 hours and though at the time I thought I liked my body I've come to realize I didn't. Especially at the size I am now. 

That girl was barely 100lbs and the woman I am now is closing on 200lbs but the skin here is a lot tougher and the self love is stronger. 

Good bye mom

 1:15pm - My mother has barely been able to eat/or drink for the last month. Hospice comes in daily. She can hear but can't speak. 

11:35pm - My mom passes

I spent the next hour unable to sleep, struggling to thing ofa good memory of my mom that didn't involve shame, or neglect. That's what brings me to tears. My mother has been dead to me for a little over a decade. 

For the next 6hours I drift in and out of sleep having weird dreams about a vehicle that looked and felt like a cheese bus except that it had four doors and a hatch like a SUV.

I turn off my alarm before it wake me up and proceed about my day. My brain still consumed with finding good memories with my mom.