Manic Depression

 Does anyone else ever feel like they're drowning but like... you're fully clothed sitting on a stool at your normal job and not drowning but that's not how it feels.

Lets Collab!

 If you're going to message someone asking them to collaborate... 

1. Know what they produce (strictly porn? Strictly clothed? ASMR?) Have an idea of what you'd like their assistance with producing.

2. Be honest about why you want to work with them (say more than "you're hot" or "successful")

3. Create value in yourself. Why should they want to collaborate for you? What's their "carrot"? 

4. If they turn you down, be polite. Thank them for their time.

Tiny little me

 A lot of images of me 6+ years ago are popping up in my memories across social media and my brain is like "god bitch, eat something" and a friend pointed out that if 6+ years ago me heard that it would ruin her day. 

I've been thinking about that for 2 hours and though at the time I thought I liked my body I've come to realize I didn't. Especially at the size I am now. 

That girl was barely 100lbs and the woman I am now is closing on 200lbs but the skin here is a lot tougher and the self love is stronger. 

Good bye mom

 1:15pm - My mother has barely been able to eat/or drink for the last month. Hospice comes in daily. She can hear but can't speak. 

11:35pm - My mom passes

I spent the next hour unable to sleep, struggling to thing ofa good memory of my mom that didn't involve shame, or neglect. That's what brings me to tears. My mother has been dead to me for a little over a decade. 

For the next 6hours I drift in and out of sleep having weird dreams about a vehicle that looked and felt like a cheese bus except that it had four doors and a hatch like a SUV.

I turn off my alarm before it wake me up and proceed about my day. My brain still consumed with finding good memories with my mom. 

Mother

"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Do you understand?"

I don't think I ever really did... Eric Draven says this in The Crow. They're trying to tell us that mother is what children worship. She's beauty and grace, she's protection and security. For me, I knew I had a mother but like God I rarely saw her. For a woman that was pro-life, she never really cared about mine.

My mother drank and God knows what else while pregnant. She didn't believe in abortion and when the doctor brought it up she told him "if you suggest that again, I'll go to a different doctor" she loved telling me that story. She felt like such a hero in that moment. That moment was fleeting, cause she didn't stop drinking. Maybe she cut down but I still got a handful of disorders that scientists believe are fetal alcohol related.
• Learning and memory
• Understanding and following directions
• Switching attention between tasks
• Controlling emotions and impulsivity
• Communicating and developing social skills
• Experiencing depression and anxiety
• Performing daily life skills, including feeding, bathing, counting money, telling time, and minding personal safety